Tuesday, June 4, 2013

FML - Parenting achievements unlocked

I play a lot of videogames, and many of them have achievements you can unlock by accomplishing a specific task.  If life were a videogame, these would be some of the achievements I've unlocked so far in my short time as being a dad:

Artful Dodger - Evade a stream of bodily fluids leaving your baby without getting any on yourself.
Immunity - Stay home from work and take care of a sick baby without getting sick yourself.
Long Hauler - Survive a 15 hour flight with a baby without pulling the emergency exit handle on a plane door or getting thrown off the plane.
Ninja Apprentice - Change a diaper without waking a baby.
Ninja Master - Change a diaper, lotion baby head to toe, and dress in pajamas a sleeping baby without waking him.
Ninja Ultimate - Transfer baby from carseat in garage to bedroom upstairs, remove baby's jacket and clothes, change diaper, lotion head to toe, dress in pajamas, and place in crib a sleeping baby without waking him.
The Working Dead - Go in to work on less than an hour of sleep, despite feeling like a zombie.
World Traveler - Get your baby a passport & bring them to another continent before they turn two.

Okay, that's just eight that I came up with, I'm sure there are more but I cannot think of them now.

Fellow parents: what achievements have you unlocked in your lives? Let me know in the comments! Can you come up with any to add to the list?


  1. Hmmmm, I'd say I've achieved some of these. Perhaps I am at the Ninja Master level, working towards Ninja Ultimate. Surely haven't done the 15 hour flight or world traveling quite yet, but we're looking at something similar (but domestic) coming up. Others I'd propose:

    Pacifier Master - Successfully hearing your baby wake up, start to fuss, run upstairs, find jettisoned pacifier somewhere in the crib, insert pacifier into baby's mouth and prevent a full-on wake-up and melt-down.

    Rapid Fire - (true story) Be able to change more than four diapers and two baby outfits in less than four minutes.

    Rapid Fire Advanced - (true story) Be able to change more than five diapers, three baby outfits and one adult outfit in less than six minutes.

    Rapid Fire Extreme - (not YET a true story) Be able to change more than six diapers, three baby outfits and both yours and your significant others' outfit in less than eight minutes.

    Cleanliness Shield - Figuring out how to successfully disassemble your car seat to get the cover off so it can be run through the washing machine (because the instructions to "wipe clean" the car seat are just silly).

    1. Yeah I don't think I've gotten any of those except the cleanliness shield one. Jackson's not big on pacifiers, he's never taken to one, and thankfully he's never had an incident like your rapid fire one (thank god). we need to get together this summer so we can meet your baby, by the way!

  2. nicely done, your life score is pretty high up there

    1. Thanks! Shakespeare said "all the world's a stage" but I prefer to think that all the world's a videogame.