Wednesday, May 4, 2011
PCP - Top 10 Worst Movies Ever Made
NOTE - originally posted by me on my friend's blog back on 9/27/10
Time for your next hit of PCP: Pop Culture Panorama. Today I’m gonna give you a taste of the worst movies ever made.
In my time watching movies, I have watched a number of awful movies. Some I watched because there was absolutely nothing else on TV, some I watched because all new movies in a theater need to be screened before tickets can be sold for them, in order to make sure they were assembled properly. One of these I even watched on a dare, but thankfully other than my time wasted and brain cells killed, I never paid to see any of these. These 10 movies are so bad, they make Gigli look like an Oscar winner. In order from bad to worst, these are the 10 most awful pieces of garbage I have ever wasted time watching.
10. Bloodrayne. Never have so many good actors made such an awful piece of garbage. Clearly they were all here for the paychecks and nothing else. Directed by the extraordinarily awful Uwe Boll (he’s got 3 movies on this list), the videogame adaptation starred Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) as the title character. The supporting cast was deep, including appearances by Michael Madsen (Reservoir Dogs), Meat Loaf (Fight Club), Billy Zane (Titanic), Michelle Rodriguez (Avatar), and Oscar winner Ben Kingsley (Gandhi) hamming it up as the villian. Not even Kristanna Loken topless could save this movie.
9. Teenage Caveman. This straight to video disaster is completely and utterly awful. It’s so bad it’s good, in a train wreck sort of way. My then girlfriend (now wife) and I caught this on cable in college and we laughed our asses off at how awful this movie was. You know you’re watching a bad movie when there is a scene that has one character stating that she knows she’ll die if she has sex with another character, due to his superhuman strength, but then she goes for it anyways because she wants him so bad.
Read more after the jump!
8. Epic Movie. Two word review: Epically awful. An attempt to parody movies like Pirates of the Caribbean, Chronicles of Narnia, and more, all combined into one giant steaming pile of crap. Unfortunately, the masses still came out to watch it, as it recouped almost its entire $20 million budget in its opening weekend, and it ultimately made almost $40 million during its theater run. Because of that, they made more movies in this series, the next two entries in this list.
7. Disaster Movie. The title says it all; this film was a disaster from start to finish. I only saw this because it had Vanessa Minnillo, who is super-hot. Unfortunately, she’s a terrible actress. So is Kim Kardashian, who also is in this movie. The one funny thing was the Sex and the City parody that had Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) being played by a man in drag. Otherwise, this was awful. Fortunately, it didn’t come close to beating its budget in its time in theaters, which might be why they didn’t make another one of these movies for a couple years. It’s not as bad as the next movie though.
6. Meet the Spartans. An hour and a half long gay joke, basically. Especially stupid were the anachronisms of having Britney Spears and the American Idol judges show up in ancient Sparta. At least try to have a coherent plot, come on!
5. Alone in the Dark. Another awful videogame adaptation from the master of disaster, Uwe Boll. Aside from not being good, scary, or entertaining, the movie also makes the cardinal sin of having Tara Reid (American Pie) attempt to portray a scientist. Worst casting of a role that needs someone intelligent since Denise Richards playing a nuclear scientist in The World is Not Enough.
4. The Real Cancun. This documentary film attempted to cash in on the rising popularity of reality TV spring break shows. Unfortunately, they didn’t consider that people wouldn’t pay to see an hour and a half long reality show, when they could just watch stuff like that for free on MTV. Making less than $4 million domestic, this bomb was out of theaters in less time than it took people to take a spring break vacation.
3. From Justin to Kelly. This was another attempt to cash in on reality TV, this time on American Idol. Part of the contracts of the 1st season’s stars was for them to appear in a film after the conclusion of the season. This musical film was that contract’s result, an unmitigated disaster. Sure the winner and runner up of season 1 of Idol can sing, but they absolutely can’t act. The critics savaged it, and audiences stayed away, with the film not even breaking the top 10 releases on its opening weekend.
2. Chupacabra Terror. Watching this movie was the result of a dare. Me, my wife, and a group of her high school friends all went to a Blockbuster with the intent of finding the absolute worst movie we could in the store, and then we would go home and watch it, taunting it like we were on Mystery Science Theater 3000. This straight to video and the Sci-Fi channel movie was the result of that challenge. This movie was so low budget and predictable, we were laughing hysterically throughout the film, because everything was so cheesy, and we called every plot development way in advance. The best though was the appearance of the Navy SEALS in this film. They were wearing skateboarding knee pads and helmets as part of their combat body armor. The helmets even still had the air holes in them, which had us laughing hysterically. Another movie in the category of so bad its good.
1. The House of the Dead. You know you’re watching a bad movie when it meets the following requirements: it is directed by Uwe Boll; it is based on a video game; and the biggest name star in the movie is Clint Howard (Ron’s brother). The absolute worst thing about this movie was the cut-scenes, which actually used the footage from the arcade game in all its 32-bit glory. They did this six times in the film. Then during the climactic 10 minute battle scene, they did it an obnoxious 26 more times. If I wanted to see the videogame, I’d go to the arcade and play the frakking videogame. This was a zombie movie, I wanted headshots and gore, not videogame clips! This movie was unredeemably awful. Never ever watch this movie under any circumstances. It also raises the question, with 3 films on this list (though he’d probably occupy the whole list if I saw any more of his films) how in the world does Uwe Boll keep getting to make movies? If you see him as the director of a movie, do not waste your time under any circumstances.